what. is. this.

I don't mean to barrage you with obsessive tales of ice cream, but I just read some repulsive news. Now, we can all agree that there is nothing wrong with Girl Scout Cookie-flavored ice cream, right? That seems like a pretty universal truth.

However.

The problem here is not the ice cream, but the naming of the ice cream. For the last time - Samoa is an island nation in the Pacific Ocean. THE COOKIE IS CALLED A CARAMEL DELIGHT.

Rule 5: The Proper Handlng of Fortune Cookies

I recently ate at Chin's, and received a rather disappointing fortune cookie.* It read, "you will use a confidential tip to earn financial success" or something lame like that.

*Still, not as bad as my worst fortune ever. I was with my family and got the fortune "Don't worry, looks aren't everything." Jody still laughs when remembering that day.

Anyway, having this fortune cookie reminded me that there is a very specific protocol regarding fortune cookies - a rule, if you will.
Rule 5: The Proper Handling of Fortune Cookies

When receiving fortune cookies at the end of a meal, a table must briefly examine them and then choose the correct cookie. There is not any correct way to choose your cookie, but look for smoothness in the texture of the cookie and a consistent color.

Once you have chosen a cookie, break it in half.

Important: DO NOT READ THE FORTUNE.

The cookie must be eaten completely before the fortune is read. Reading the paper prematurely results in misleading, inaccurate fortunes. Once the cookie has been eaten, read any token Chinese translations or lucky numbers on the back side. Only then, after everything else has been completed, can the fortune be read.

A box of WHAT?

Dairy Queen, your latest Blizzard ad campaign is in clear violation of Thomas B. Marlow's Rule 1: The Proper Naming of Girl Scout Cookies - so no, I would not like to buy even ONE Tagalong Blizzard.

I could go for a Peanut Butter Pattie one, on the other hand...

Mapping the Delicious

All right, kids - this is post 1.

My name is Jeff - I live in Madison, Wisconsin and am an archaeologist/musician (rockstarchaeologist). In my spare time, I enjoy reading, cooking, reading about cooking, and baseball (in particular the Cubs, but the game itself as an object of beauty). This blog will mainly cover these topics, plus any funny stories from projects I'm working on around WI.

As of now, there is one regular feature - Thomas B. Marlow's Guide to Holiday Traditions. This will be a series of rules to follow as you plan/celebrate holidays, as well as life in general. For example, Rule 1: The Proper Naming of Girl Scout Cookies.

Thin Mints - no debate here; the most popular species.

Caramel Delights - the first controversy. Currently, the Girl Scouts sell these cookies branded as either Caramel deLites or Samoas. Caramel deLites' flaw is the inane spelling of delight. However, this pales in comparison to the travesty that is the Samoa. Samoa is an island group and nation in the South Pacific with a rich culture and history - NOT A COOKIE. What's wrong with 'Caramel Delight?' It's properly spelled and perfectly descriptive. The cookies themselves (the best the Girl Scouts sell, by the way) are both caramelly AND delightful.

Peanut Butter Patties - also a good descriptive name of the cookies, as opposed to the incorrect branding of this species, Tagalong. There are two main problems with the 'Tagalong.' First, it is often mispronounced as Tagalog - the second largest ethnic group in the Phillipines and also a language native to that island group (Did a Girl Scout exec vacation in the Pacific right before going on a cookie naming binge? Seriously.) Secondly, Tagalong? What does that mean? The cookie will somehow sneak into your luggage as you go off on a trip? As far as I'm concerned, Tagalong is the name of the littlest bunny sister in the Disney film "Robin Hood"... which is probably an entirely different post topic altogether.
Peanut Butter Sandwich - also referred to as the 'Do-Si-Do'. Why? If I remember correctly from 8th grade gym class, the Do-Si-Do is a square dancing move...which has no connection at all to cookies.
Shortbread/Trefoils - These shortbread cookies have the Girl Scout Trefoil design in them. Either name is acceptable.

There are more varieties of cookies, but really...who eats any of them besides the ones discussed above? They also seem to only have one name, eliminating much of the potential controversy.

Bonus Example: Rule 40: In Regards to the Eating and Reading of Fortune Cookies.
Fortune Cookies are to be broken apart and eaten before reading your fortune. Failure to comply by Rule 40 voids the fortune contained within said cookie.

In addition to these completely serious rules that you should make every attempt to follow, I can see a weekly recap of archaeological travails as a possible regular post, and probably a regular NL Central rundown. We shall see.



Wow...I wish I had some Caramel Delights right now :(